FIFTY THINGS IANTO LEARNT IN TORCHWOOD 3
by loulabelle90
Summary: Like the title says 50 things that Ianto learn during his time at Torchwood 3. Please review and if enough people do I will do some for the other members of the team. Of they are wanted. Contains spoilers for all of torchwood. Chapter 2 is Owen
1. Ianto

FIFTY THINGS IANTO LEARNT IN TORCHWOOD 3

As the title says it is 50 things that Ianto learnt whilst working at Torchwood 3

A special thanks goes out to Owensheart who helped me all though this fic. I would have been doomed without her help.

1) It is easy to get hired if you can make coffee and look good in a suit.

2) Torchwood 3 does not carry pterodactyl nets.

3) No one else knows how to use the coffee machine.

4) You shouldn't approach Owen in the morning without coffee.

5) This is even more true when he is hung over.

6) Suzie doesn't like people sneaking up behind her.

7) You shouldn't do this especially when she is holding a blowtorch

8) Owen can't seem to tell the difference between tea and coffee

9) Telling him this is a sure way of getting a scalpel thrown at you.

10) Scalpels hurt.

11) You shouldn't leave chocolate on your desk. Not if you don't want Myfanwy to eat it.

12) None of the others know how to use a bin.

13) Jack will flirt with anything that breathes.

14) Jack gets in a lot of trouble because of said flirting.

15) Presents are the best way of getting out of this trouble.

16) Decaff is great to use as a threat or punishment to the other members of the team

17) When this punishment is carried out you need to be careful of their caffeine withdrawal symptoms.

18) Tosh is a genius.

19) Owen can't see what is right in front of his eyes

20) Gwen should be kept away from alien artefacts. Especially if they have buttons.

21) Gun training is just another way for Jack to feel up the team.

22) Tosh does not react well to being felt up.

23) Tosh slaps hard. Ask Jack.

24) Tosh will not do a repeat of the slap not matter how much you beg her to.

25) Owen cannot seem to grasp the concept of 'secret organisation'.

26) Gwen will not let things go even if she should.

27) Gwen is also unable to follow orders.

28) The Cardiff police hate Torchwood

29) Bending over a desk anywhere near Jack is unadvisable. Especially if you don't want him to pinch your butt.

30) Owen finds this funny especially if you shriek like a girl.

31) Camping in the countryside is a bad idea.

32) Humans can also be monsters not just aliens.

33) Shooting Owen is fun.

34) Owen doesn't find it funny. But the rest of the team does.

35) Tosh is so twisted inside.

36) Torchwood is wrong about the Doctor.

37) Jack has psychotic exes.

38) Said ex can't seem to remember my name. It's Ianto not Eye candy.

39) He also likes to offer me orgy's

40) there really is a lot of things you can do with a stopwatch.

41) Jack should be kept away from my diary.

42) Going drinking with Owen is likely to end up with us getting arrested.

43) Being a part of Torchwood gets you out of so many situations with the law.

44) Owen is funny to film whilst drunk.

45) If he finds out you did this he would most likely try to kill you.

46) Not everyone can be fixed. No matter how hard you try.

47) Torchwood weddings never go well.

48) None of the team actually knows the alphabet.

49) If Jack was in charge of the filing everything would be under A for Alien, N for Non-alien or D for Doctor.

50) No matter how hard it this job gets it is worth it to help people.


	2. Owen

I do not own Torchwood or any of the characters. That right belongs to the BBC and RTD.

Thank you to Chasing Aspirations, Stories4ever, Mikichik, , enigma-kar and thatsharressmentsir. Also thanks to everyone that added my fic on the favourite story or Story alert. Hope you like the second chapter.

50 things that Owen learnt during his time at Torchwood 3

1) Jack is willing to hire people based on looks.

2) Maybe it isn't that bad having a butler

3) Ianto doesn't like the name teaboy

4) Throwing a scalpel at him is a great way to stop him moaning about.

5) You should avoid doing weapons training with Jack at all costs

6) Ordering pizza under the name of Torchwood will get you into trouble

7) Do not annoy Gwen. Getting strangled isn't fun.

8) Gwen's aim sucks.

9) Don't try to take readings from a sex gas alien, you are liable to end up feeling a bit of a cock.

10) you're not the only one who has lost someone you love

11) Ianto really will give you decaff

12) People from the countryside are sick fuckers

13) Coffee is great for hangovers.

14) It is easier to deal with patients if they are dead.

15) Jack flirts just as much as he breathes.

16) Gwen never stops moaning.

17) Sex with Gwen isn't really enough to listen to her moaning.

18) Touching the coffee machine will get you decaff for at least a month.

19) A month without caffeine is the worst type of torture ever.

20) Don't drink any coffee made in the hub that Ianto didn't make. Especially if it was Jack who made it.

21) Tosh is so much better than Gwen.

22) You shouldn't really shot your boss.

23) Even if they can't die they don't react well to getting shot.

24) Ex time agents are annoying flirts.

25) Do not piss Ianto off, he will shoot you in the shoulder.

26) Don't expect sympathy from the rest of the team for Ianto shooting you. They find it amusing.

27) Ianto shrieks like a girl when Jack pinches his butt.

28) Gwen is able to get away with anything.

29) You should knock before going into Jack's office. This is even more true when Ianto is with him.

30) Jack will not give you retcon to get rid of the images you saw between Jack and Ianto. No matter how much you beg.

31) Getting drunk with Ianto never ends well.

32) Beware of Ianto filming you whilst you're drunk. It will end up either given to Tosh or put on YouTube.

33) Ianto isn't that bad.

34) Jack isn't just using Ianto for sex.

35) The hub wouldn't run without Ianto.

36) I need to start to see what is in front of me.

37) If I did I would have seen how Tosh felt about me and went out with her before I became the living dead.

38) No one classes porn as work.

39) Pointing out to Jack that he spends most of his time staring at Ianto's butt does not get you permission to watch porn instead of working.

40) Ianto will delete my porn if I don't do my work.

41) Weevil hunting for Jack and Ianto doesn't necessarily involve any weevils

42) Aliens don't stop for anything even a team members wedding.

43) If Gwen ever gets pregnant keep away for her. She gets aggressive.

44) No one really likes Torchwood.

45) Playing with alien devices never end well.

46) Gwen likes to play stupid games.

47) Combining the team, truth or dare and alcohol isn't a good idea.

48) You should be careful whilst looking though the CCTV footage. You never know what you will see

49) At Torchwood nothing goes as expected.

50) You will apart of Torchwood until you die

Please review.


	3. Tosh

I do not own Torchwood or any of the characters. That right belongs to the BBC and RTD.

50 things Tosh learnt at Torchwood

1) Jack uses gun training as a means to flirt with his team.

2) Slapping Jack is so much fun.

3) Doing so again will most likely get you fired so you can't give Ianto a repeat. No matter how much you want to.

4) Owen cannot be trusted to keep a joke going without laughing and giving it away.

5) Let Owen take readings from a sex alien coz you'll get to see him naked.

6) CCTV footage of a naked Owen is a great way of getting Owen to be nice to me and Ianto.

7) Chinese will solve all arguments.

8) Gwen thinks she is so much better than everyone else.

9) Spott is actually pronounced Spoe

10) House to house work gets you nowhere.

11) Ianto does so much for all of us.

12) We need to make more effort into letting him know we appreciate it.

13) It really didn't take long for Gwen to get her feet under the table.

14) When you're being held captive by crazy cannibals. Do not look in the fridge.

15) Ianto will risk his life to save you from said crazy cannibals

16) Using alien techs such as mind reading pendants will get you into trouble.

17) Suzie really planned her betrayal well.

18) Owen will always overlook me for someone new.

19) Jack isn't really called Jack.

20) Helping with a mutiny against your boss isn't a smart idea.

21) Working at Torchwood means that you will never be able to look at a blowfish or manatee the same way again.

22) Owen actually does have feelings as seen when he had to unfortunately kill that space manatee.

23) John Hart though very cute is insane and very dangerous.

24) He also made a great wife.

25) If Ianto and Owen go out drinking it is fun to get Ianto to film Owen.

26) Said filming does quite well on YouTube.

27) There are amazing things to be found between Jack and Ianto on the CCTV footage.

28) Falling in love with a frozen soldier will break your heart.

29) This is the same with evil psycho aliens.

30) Gwen can get away with just about everything.

31) Geeky Owen is so much nicer than normal Owen especially when he gives you a cute screen cleaner.

32) Owen will not admit to buying me flowers.

33) Asking Owen to a pool tournament will not lead to a date.

34) It will take weeks for Owen to realise you were asking him on a date.

35) Owen will not believe you if you tell him you love him when he only has 2 minutes left.

36) Owen will always be a prat even when he is dead.

37) I still love him even if he is dead and a prat.

38) Torchwood weddings are impossible to have without alien influence.

39) Keep away from Banana Boat whenever possible

40) Not all things can be fixed.

41) Even humans are capable of doing horrible things.

42) Sometimes you can't save everyone no matter how hard you try.

43) When this happens it is easier to focus on how you saved instead of who you didn't.

44) John Hart really shouldn't be trusted.

45) Gwen is incapable of listening to Jack. She thinks she knows best.

46) Even if Owen is a total prat most of the time he can also be caring. Like after what happened with Tommy.

47) There are certain things that Ianto will not do for me. Orgy with Owen and me for example.

48) Jack doesn't like people to have orgies without him.

49) Working with Torchwood has different dangers each day.

50) Even so this job is worth it in order to help others.


	4. Gwen

This is the fourth part and this series and there is only one part after this. I do not own Torchwood or any of the characters. That right belongs to the BBC and RTD. Contains spoilers for the first two seasons of Torchwood. A special thanks goes out to the wonderful Owensheart who has helped a lot with all parts of this series.

1) Andy does not like to walk.

2) If you want to get in Torchwood just bring pizza.

3) Be careful if Jack buys you drinks.

4) Don't chuck tools at Owen no matter how much you want to.

5) Especially if he is next to a meteor containing alien sex gas.

6) Strangling Owen makes you feel so much better.

7) Jack does not appreciate you strangling the staff.

8) House to house work is a waste of time.

9) Sometimes it would be better not to press the big flashing button.

10) Knowing the future doesn't mean you can make it better. Sometimes you just change how it happens.

11) Gun training with Jack can be fun and hot.

12) You shouldn't kill spiders with a gun.

13) If you come across a cyberwoman shoot first and give warning later.

14) Do not start games such as who was your last kiss. It doesn't end well.

15) This is especially true if a few weeks ago you shot another member of the team's girlfriend.

16) If you break down a door in the countryside it is better to let Jack go in first.

17) Sometimes it would be better not to demand answers.

18) Taking Suzie Costello on a road trip is a bad idea.

19) Slowly getting shot in the head isn't very pleasant.

20) Not everyone should be trusted. Especially if they were going to shot you in the head last time you met him.

21) Affairs with Owen will not end well.

22) Retcon is a great way of being truthful about the affair with Owen to Rhys without having to deal with the consequences.

23) That Rhys does not react well to being stunned and imprisoned.

24) That betraying Jack wasn't the smartest idea.

25) It is quite fun to call John Vera.

26) Kissing Vera isn't the smartest thing to do.

27) As much fun as it is to call him Vera it is so much more enjoyable to punch him.

28) Having humanity doesn't always mean you need to be human.

29) Getting Rhys involved in torchwood will not end well.

30) Your fiancée getting shot is a get way to get a couple of days of work.

31) Even though I love Rhys I also love Jack in a different way.

32) Sometimes it is better not to remember.

33) You're not the only person in the world that Jack hasn't slept with.

34) Bringing people to life using the gloves ends in horrible consequences.

35) These consequences are worth it if it brings a team member back to get you.

36) Getting bitten by a Nostrovite on your hen night is a bad idea.

37) Nostrovites can take on the shape of anyone including your sexy boss.

38) It is useful to hide a gun in your flowers when fighting against a Nostrovite.

39) It does not look good on you if your boss points a gun at your mother in law and calls her an ugly bitch.

40) It is quite hard not to laugh when your boss calls your mother in law and ugly bitch. Especially if you agree.

42) Do not go into the hothouse after hours. You're asking for an eyeful.

43) Jack and Ianto play naked hide and seek.

44) Jack cheats at naked hide and seek.

45) Sometimes Jack keeps secrets for a reason.

46) Some things just can't be fixed.

47) Sometimes being late is actually a good thing.

48) Vera should definitely never be trusted.

49) Ianto hides a great body under those suits.

50) This job is dangerous but worth it in the end.


	5. Jack

I do not own Torchwood or any of the characters. As if you didn't know that already.

Jack now and since Jack is the main character, or supposed to the main character, he has 100. So read, I hope you enjoy and if you want I do little ones for Rhys, John, and Martha. Or any other characters you want from besides those in series 3 because I haven't watched it. In my mind if I want watch it, it never happened. So please review.

Ianto is persistent.

2) You should really pay close attention to your staff.

3) Telling people that Ianto looks good in a suit is apparently harassment.

4) Ianto doesn't really mind being harassed.

5) Owen really need to be taught the whole idea of a 'secret organisation'

6)Throwing tools around near a alien meteor isn't a good idea.

7) Gwen will strangle the staff (Owen) if you're not careful.

8) Keeping a hand in a jar creeps people out.

9) Owen really should be kept away from sex aliens.

10) Spott is pronounced Sploe.

11) The staff really needs to be taught not to take alien devices home.

12) The team don't like door to door work.

13) Not everyone likes to be felt up during gun training.

14) Tosh can really slap hard.

15) Threatening Tosh to fire her is a great way to stop her from doing it again. Even if she knows you won't.

16) For some reason Ianto finds it funny that Tosh slapped you and wants a replay.

17) Don't even try to go out for drinks with the team coz no doubt you will have to run back to the Hub before you even finish your first drink.

18) Ianto really is amazing at keeping things away from the team.

19) He really has a mean right hook.

20) Telling him to shoot his girlfriend really isn't the smartest or kindest thing you can do.

21) Maybe Ianto is right in saying that I'm a monster.

22) Sometimes it's easier to just do nothing.

23) Ianto looks amazing in jeans.

24) Team building activities in the countryside aren't the best ideas.

25) Nobody wants to hear about me shagging aliens.

26) Working for Torchwood can really put you off meat.

27) Aliens can quite easily infiltrate Torchwood.

28) When a team member starts acting strange you need to be wary of betrayal or them getting a sex change.

29) Ianto isn't coping as well as he makes out to be.

30) For some reason Tosh wasn't able to read my mind.

31) Don't use resurrection gloves unless you are quite sure you know how.

32) The pterodactyl will not listen to you just because you are Captain Jack Harkness.

33) Gwen should not take Suzie to see her father.

34) There really are a lot of things you can do with a stopwatch.

35) Even though Ianto looks good in a suit he looks even better naked.

36) Tosh will go around looking at the CCTV footage to see what goes on between you and Ianto.

37) Unlike Tosh, Owen does not want to see what happens between you and Ianto.

38) Ianto is willing to give you decaff or instant if you're annoying.

39) The girlish shriek he makes when you pinch his butt is almost worth decaff or instant.

40) Touching the coffee machine will lead in no coffee what so ever. Or even worse no sex.

41) People do not like you take away their identities.

42) Sometimes it is impossible to cope in a different time.

43) Whilst talking about how your life is just bearable make sure that the coms are off.

44) Weevils may have psychic links to one another.

45) Ianto really makes an amazing good cop.

46) Ianto also looks so sexy whilst eating grapes.

47) Owen doesn't like grapes.

48) People really will get in a cage with a weevil.

49) The real Captain is gorgeous.

50) Ianto really doesn't want to hear about me kissing another man.

51) Ianto is really loyal to me.

52) Ianto shooting Owen is the shoulder is funny.

53) Owen does not agree with this.

54) Playing with the rift really is a bad idea.

55) Everyone in the team will betray me at least once.

56) Owen really will shoot me.

57) The team really don't like when you leave without telling them where you're going.

58) If you run off with the Doctor, Gwen will take charge even if she isn't second in command.

59) When you get back she will continue to act like she is in charge.

60) John definitely is the wife.

61) He should also be kept away from Ianto.

62) Ianto does not like to be called Eyecandy or John's constant offerings of an orgy.

63) John is still just as untrustworthy as ever.

64) Rehab apparently doesn't work.

65) Ianto does not like it when I use cello tape to stick things on the SUV.

66) Ianto does not like it when he doesn't know everything.

67) I do show off a bit.

68) Getting Rhys involved was probably not the best idea.

67) Sometimes it humans that are the monsters.

68) 'Weevil hunting' with Ianto is amazing.

69) Sometimes it is best not to try and remember things.

70) Martha will not get me a red unit hat to give to Ianto.

71) Just because it is a different Risen Mitten does not mean that it doesn't have a dangerous side affect.

72) Owen really is disgusting whilst dead.

73) Ianto is the only one who is able to use the coffee machine.

74) Owen does not like being the living dead.

75) Owen is somehow unable to grasp how Tosh feels about him. Even after she tells him she loves him.

76) You shouldn't let anyone near aliens on their Hen or Stag night.

77) You shouldn't call Gwen's mother-in-law an ugly bitch. It will get you slapped.

78) Ianto makes a pretty good DJ.

79) Ianto does not like it when you file everything under A for Alien, D for Doctor or S for Shagable.

80) If you mess up Ianto's filing system he will shoot you.

81) Naked hide and seek really is great fun.

82) Ianto will let me get away with cheating at naked hide and seek.

83) Gwen will not join us whilst we play naked hide and seek.

84) Ianto doesn't like me offering Gwen to join us.

85) Gwen will never give in once she starts something.

86) Ianto was right in telling Gwen about Flat Holm.

87) Sometimes I should trust the team with some of my secrets.

88) I should really teach the members of the team to knock.

89) Ianto looks gorgeous as he sleeps.

90) Going on a date with Ianto is the most nerve wrecking thing I have done.

91) I especially love what happens at the end of the date.

92) Somehow Ianto has become so much more to be than someone to have sex with.

93) Sometimes it is impossible to save everyone.

94) Gwen is jealous of what is going on between me and Ianto. Even if she does have Rhys.

95) Myfanwy likes dark chocolate.

96) The team would have an orgy without me

97) John really is a psychopath.

98) Whatever took Gray really messed him up inside.

99) Getting buried alive isn't pleasant in anyway.

100) Even if I know I will outlive him. I can't keep away from Ianto.

Please Review.


	6. Martha and John

I do not own Torchwood or any of the characters that right belongs to the BBC and RTD.

This chapter is for Captain John Hart and Martha Jones and next will probably be the last chapter. Though I might do one for Merlin if people want me to. Please review and I hope you enjoy. Only 10 for these people though there may be more for Rhys depending on what I think of.

**Ten things Martha Learnt at Torchwood.**

1) Jack is still struggling with his shyness.

2) I'm not the only person in the world who hasn't slept with Jack.

3) Jack and Ianto drabble.

4) Jack's dabbling is innovative, bordering on the avant-garde.

5) Red is Ianto's colour.

6) Torchwood clearly doesn't tell UNIT everything.

7) Resurrection Gauntlets are very dangerous to use.

8) Even dead Owen thinks he is god's gift to Women.

9) Owen should not be trusted with Alien technology. Especially around Ianto.

10) Jack thinks Torchwood is better looking than UNIT. 

**10 Things John learnt whilst at Torchwood.  
**  
1) Jack called his team Torchwood, not Excalibur, Blizzard or Bikini Cops.

2) They need a blonde.

3) Eye candy will not have an orgy. Even if I have the handcuffs ready.

4) I cannot have sex with poodles.

5) The torchwood team is pretty and resilient.

6) I really shouldn't get on the wrong side of Gwen.

7) I was a good wife.

8) The best thing about being in team is definitely the last minute rescue.

9) Eyecandy is capable of being so masterful and bossy. Even if it is basically powerless.

10) Jack and I don't have a song and if we did it wouldn't be "I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper"


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